“E petitions”: British comedy gold

The Government “e petitions” website is where you go if you want to create an online petition regarding some pressing matter which you feel needs to be debated in the House of Commons (you only need 100,000 signatures after all!) Many take the “sledgehammer to crack a nut” line, others are just unfathomable and seem to have been written by people on nodding terms, at best, with the English language. Others are just bonkers.

Here are ten of my current favourites:

 

(1) Free pets for sale

It looks like an advert, but it isn’t. It’s a petition against people being able to give pets away “free”.

How would you regulate that, exactly? Come on “Sara Lewis”, tell me. What if I sell a pet for a penny? Is that OK? Have you thought this through? What is the minimum amount one may charge for a pet? What if my pet hamster lets his contract run down? Can he go for a “free” then? What’s the going rate for an amoeba?

Do tell.

 

(2) Performer pass on trains

This man is a comedian. No really, he is a comedian. And he travels on public transport to get to gigs. And he feels he should have a pass entitling him to cheaper public transport. No, I haven’t made this up.

Certain jobs deserve perks of course. But what do we tell the circus clowns, the bearded ladies and the mime artists when they come knocking for free bus passes?

Like I said, he’s a comedian. And a bloody good one.

 

(3) Register Shakespeare’s (accepted) birthday, 23rd April, as a Day in the Calendar

I’ve checked this and it’s already there, between 22nd and 24th April. Yep, it’s already a day in the calendar. While I was there I checked June 29th, October 21st and December 2nd. They’re all in there too.

And…relax.

 

(4) The renaming of Type 1 Diabetes

Type 1 gets a bad rap, apparently. The marketing people think it needs freshening up a bit.

So Sandra Jones wants it to get a new name. But won’t “Type 2” then become “Type 1” or will we leave it as “Type 2” and not have a “Type 1” at all? I’m not sure Sandra has thought it through. And she hasn’t come up for a new name for “Type 1”.

I like “Type 3”. Yeah, sounds good.

I’ll just run it past Saatchi & Saatchi though.

 

(5) Ban tax on all feminine hygiene products

You mean like deodorant and toothpaste? Oh no, you mean…

Do you have any idea how much money these generate for the nation? It would be like adding 10p to income tax if you abolished tax on “women’s products”. Have you seen how much of this stuff women buy?

Tax from these things pays for all the schools, all the hospitals, the RAF and Eric Pickles’ salads.

Can’t possibly be allowed.

 

(6) Stop churches being converted into mosques

It’s a supply and demand thing really though really, isn’t it?

Come on, Terry Cheeseman, stop laying about in bed on a Sunday morning scratching your bits and get yourself down to the local church.

Would you prefer churches to stand empty?

If one lot of deluded maniacs want to sell their meeting place to another lot of deluded maniacs, who are you to argue?

 

(7) We should honour the service personnel who protected the UK during the Cold War

You do understand what the “Cold War” was, don’t you?

It’s just that when you refer to it as a “conflict” I start to think you may be struggling with the concept.

That film with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, “The War of the Roses”?

Yeah, not a real war either.

 

(8) End Multiculturalism in the UK

And I quote: “We have only 4 cultural identities in the UK…Scottish, Welsh, Irish and English”

Now, what do you understand by the prefix “multi”? Yeah, me too.

But let’s say we go with this idea. How would it work? How would you enforce it? Would the police knock on the door and if you didn’t give the “correct” answer take you away in handcuffs?

Build yourself a time machine and set the date to “Berlin, 1933”. Enjoy yourself.

Idiot.

 

(9) Unwanted telephone calls for boilers – 0161 321 7891

This man keeps getting phone calls from this number. They keep asking him about his boiler.

His options:

(a) Tell them to **** off

(b) Not answer their calls

(c) Create an “e petition” about it.

 

He chose (c). Who wouldn’t?

 

(10) Create a 3 rod license

I’m going to cut and paste this proposal in its entirety:

A petition to create a 3 rod freshwater license for anglers who normally have to pay for 2 licenses costing a extra £27 instead,instead create a license which costs £40.50 saving anglers money.

 

Apart from the English and the Maths, that was beautifully put. Well done.