Not many people are aware of it, but the England cricket captain, Alastair Cook, and the Manchester United captain, Nemanja Vidic, have recently become Facebook friends. As a result, they message each other frequently…
AC: “G’day mate. How’s it going cobber”?
NV: “Cookie Monster, is that you”?
AC: “Awww, yeah mate. Look mate, been out here in Oz for too long and started sounding like an Australian. And my sentences have started rising up at the end in that really fucking annoying Australian way. Yeah, no mate. It is me”.
NV: “I see. How’s it going out there”?
AC: “Awww, look mate, two dreadful performances lately. Absolutely gutless, horrible performances. Shameful really”.
NV: “I think that’s a bit harsh my friend. We were OK against Everton”.
AC: “Awww, look mate I was talking about the cricket, not you lot. Two awful matches. Stadium had no atmosphere and hardly had any English people in it. Mainly people from the other side of the world”.
NV: “Yeah, I know. But Old Trafford’s been like that for years”.
AC: “Look mate, I’m talking about the cricket. OK”?
NV: “Oh right. Sorry”.
AC: “Awww look mate, it’s been a shambles since day one if I’m being honest. Yeah, no. An absolute shambles”.
NV: “I expect there will be some changes then”?
AC: “Yeah, no mate”.
NV: “Sorry, Cookie. Is that a yes or a no? You’re really starting to fucking annoy me with your Australianisms”.
AC: “Mate, sorry. Yeah, no… I mean yeah, they’re talking about Goochie playing now”.
NV: “Graham Gooch”?
AC: “Yeah, no. Awww look mate, I’ve told them it’s madness. I said it was ridiculous having some old fossil in your team whose best days were over 20 years ago, but the management are really keen that he plays. No idea why. How’s Ryan Giggs by the way”?
NV: “Yeah, Giggsy is fine. And he says your wife is fine too”.
AC:”Nice of him to keep an eye out for her, mate. Especially from 200 miles away. Must be doing his conkers in petrol money. He’s a fair dinkum guy. Look mate, I’ve got to dash. We’ve got a meeting about our Number 3. We haven’t actually got one at the moment”.
NV: “I know how that feels my friend. We have Patrice Evra”.
AC: “Awww look mate, it’s a real problem for us with the game in Perth coming up”.
NV: “We’re off to Perth tomorrow too”.
AC: “Really mate? Perth in Australia”?
NV: “No, my friend. The one in Scotland. The manager has arranged a friendly against St Johnstone. He reckons we could nick a draw, which is more than you’re going to do”.
AC: “Too true mate. But they’ve got a St Johnstone here too mate. Left-armed bowler with a great big moustache. Throws it down at you at a million miles an hour. Horrible bloke but he’s a fucking saint out here at the moment. See ya later, cobber”.
NV: “Take care my friend”.
AC: “Yeah no mate”.