Six things I just don’t “get”

“Everyone’s different”.

“If we were all the same the world would be a boring place”.

“Different strokes for different folks”.

Yes, yes, yes. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sometimes scratch your head and wonder “Why”?

Here are six things that I just don’t “get” at all. Sorry.

(1) Going to a “gig”

Nope, I don’t get it. You’re paying to go and watch a musician or group of musicians play some songs that you’ve already got on CD/DVD/download at home? Why? You already know which songs are going to be played, don’t you? So you pretty much know what’s going to happen? Isn’t that like going to a football match when you already know what the score will be? Pointless. And the beer will be about £4.50 a pint. And there’ll be loads of dickheads there. Don’t do it. Stay home and watch the 1980 Cup Final on ESPN Classic. West Ham win 1-0, Brooking with a header.

(2) Going to McDonalds*

I am partial to the odd burger and chips. Those mobile vans outside football grounds get a lot of business from me. But what I don’t get is the whole McDonalds experience. A plastic environment with some demented clown on posters all over the walls and staff that are too busy checking their spots in the mirror or flobbing into the salad to pay much attention to you. A dreary, depressing experience that has somehow wheedled its way into the nation’s consciousness as an ideal place to take the kids for a “treat”. The ideal training environment for human beings who want to be reincarnated as battery hens.

*Some people call it “Maccy D’s”. They should have their toenails pulled out with pliers.

(3) Technology for the sake of it

Many technological advances have been of great benefit to us. Others have not. Some people think technology can solve any “problem” they may have. They are wrong.

“Made a cup of tea and can’t remember whether you put sugar in it? There’s an app for that”. Yeah, or I could just take a sip of it and find out.

Want a motorised fork that twirls your noodles or spaghetti because you can’t be bothered to? There’s one out there. I’m not joking.

Then some pillock will be on Dragons’ Den with a device for removing belly button fluff. I have something already. Fingers. Now sod off you weirdo.

Which brings me to sat-navs. People spend ten minutes in the car plugging the damn thing in and booting it up just so a disembodied voice which talks to them like they’re a dog with fleas can tell them how to get to London. It’s London for crying out loud!

(4) Cats

“War, what is it good for”? sang Edwin Starr. Well, Edwin, war has a lot more going for it than cats do. Although a cat war would actually be something I’d pay to see (unlike a Coldplay concert at the O2 or going to see Robbie Williams at Knebworth, both of which come below “Lethal injection after twelve years on Death Row in Alabama State Penitentiary” on my Christmas list). Yes, a big cat war with the bastard ginger tom from a few doors down on one side and a pack of rabid lions on the other. Or maybe the black and white vermin from next door against a fully-grown male Bengal tiger that hasn’t eaten for three days?

Open your fridge. Remove a piece of cheese. This piece of cheese will show you the same amount of affection as the average cat will. But the piece of cheese won’t shit in my garden. See what I’m saying here?

(5) People who push the button at crossings when the damn button has already been pushed

“Hmm, there are people waiting across the road. The “WAIT” sign is lit. I know, I’ll push the button repeatedly, just in case”.

This must be the thought process these people go through. Do they think the rest of us are standing across the road like disorientated lemmings hoping that someone will appear who can push the button the correct way? Do they exhibit this weirdness in other parts of their lives? How long do they give their washing machine after the “Start” button has been pushed? A second or two? How long do they give their oven to get up to 250C? Ten seconds perhaps?

(People who push the buttons at crossings on empty roads at four o’clock in the morning fall into this category too. There are no cars about for miles yet they still MUST push the button and then cross before the bloody green man has appeared anyway).

Unthinking robots.

(6) “Comedy” ringtones

“Ha ha! Yes, your ringtone is a really amusing catchphrase from a popular comedy show. And you downloaded it last night. OK. Yes I heard it, thanks. It’s really funny. Yes, it’s funny the second time as well. No, I don’t want to hear it again. No, really I don’t. Not so funny the third time, is it? OK, as I was saying” …

“Yes, it is funny. Now, as I was” …

“Yep. Can we just”…

“Yes, everyone in Accounts thinks it’s great too. Yes. Except all you did was download it, you didn’t write it did you? You won’t be getting any royalty cheques will you? You just downloaded it. A monkey can probably do that”.

“Please don’t …”

“Right. You have three fucking seconds to turn that thing off before I snap your fucking neck like it’s a cocktail stick riddled with woodworm and then dump your lifeless body in a skip”.

“Thanks. Anyway, we were in McDonalds before going to the gig and Dave showed us this new app on his phone where you can pretend to toast a marshmallow …”

" fast food chain under God, indivisible, with fries and narrowed arteries for all"

“…one fast food chain under God, indivisible, with fries and narrowed arteries for all”