Big Eric’s in a pickle again

Remember when the Tory Party was known as the “party of law and order”?

I do, as it was something you often heard in the 1980s when those fine and trustworthy members of the Tory Party (Aitken, Archer and Hamilton among them) would never turn down the opportunity to remind us that they were what was stopping us all from being murdered in our beds, and how eternally thankful we should be. Well, times change. Now they are much more “relaxed” (as Peter Mandelson would no doubt put it) about breaking the law. Well, what I mean is that they are if they think there may be a few votes in it for them, which as we all know is all that really interests them once the expenses claim has been processed. Step forward Eric Pickles.

Mr Pickles is the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, a very “PC” title for someone whose party are so painfully “anti-PC”. He could easily be a “Little Britain” comedy character, and I have no doubt that “Spitting Image” would have had a field day if fatboy Pickles had been on the Westminster scene back in the 1980s. If Kenneth Baker was depicted as a slimy slug on that programme, then surely Pickles would have been a grotesque and flatulent snorting pig with his face constantly buried in a bucket of truffles. When Pickles was asked whether the Cabinet’s jubilee gift to The Queen of some table mats was appropriate, given that she probably already had quite a few, Pickles replied “One can never have too many table mats”. That’s true enough, if you are a big lump who spends more time at the trough than thinking about the details of the next witless piece of nonsense that’s going to spew forth from your fat gob. This is a man who once claimed that living 37 miles from Westminster justified claiming a second home allowance, because the journey took four hours. This was utter rubbish and a complete fiction. He also claimed that he had to be on time for work, as if being on time is an option for the working population who aren’t MPs. Anyway, Lardmonster got away with it, probably because so many other MPs (from all parties) played the same underhand and dishonest game as the corpulent gargoyle and they didn’t want to rock the boat. When it comes to the crunch, MPs stick together, regardless of party affiliations.

Now the contemptible oaf is back in the news with his belief that parking tickets shouldn’t be handed-out to motorists who have parked (illegally) on double yellow lines because they are just popping into a local shop for a newspaper or loaf of bread. It’s populist claptrap, designed to appeal to the increasingly weird persecution complex that motorists seem to be developing in this country. Pickles makes no reference to all the people who are inconvenienced on a daily basis by the tossers who can’t be bothered to park where they are supposed to park. No, stuff them. And stuff the people with children who can’t see over the top of an illegally-parked Chelsea tractor whilst trying to cross the road. Stuff anyone who may have caught the bus to work and is sitting in a traffic jam caused by thoughtless arseholes who insist on parking directly outside the shop they want to visit. Stuff them all.

Pickles has given the green light to the “I’m going to do what suits me and to hell with anyone else” dickheads who infest modern society, whether they are dropping litter in the street because the nearest bin is ten whole yards away or whether they are putting out their bins a day early because that’s what they are going to do and f*ck everyone else. Quite how a traffic warden is supposed to know that someone is only going to be five minutes, or ten minutes, Pickles hasn’t explained. And he never will, because he is the very essence of the modern politician, talking in general tones and in populist cliches rather than attempting to consider the detail or reality of what he is proposing.

I for one am sick and tired of motorists who seem to think they are, at most, one step down from political prisoners in China or Burmese opposition groups. So many of them have a nauseatingly high level of self-pity, outraged as they are by the wicked idea that someone should dare to tell them where they should and shouldn’t park their precious bloody cars. And most of them are male. Self-absorbed, selfish, arrogant males who think the world revolves around them and that they have a “human right” to park where they want. And with supreme irony, the major political party that regards the phrase “human rights” with most disdain is the party of Eric Pickles, a man who would do and say anything if he thought it might make him a bit more popular. The Tory Party (if Pickles is to be believed) now regards parking where you want as a “right” but things like torture and freedom of expression as not worthy of the same consideration, hence Theresa May’s recent nonsense regarding withdrawal from the European Convention on Human Rights. If anything better sums-up the self-centred and Clarksonesque type of pea-brains that the Tory Party are so desperate to appeal to then I haven’t heard it. Yet.

There is no human right to park where the hell you want to because you’re too lazy to walk to the local shops or park somewhere that means you aren’t inconveniencing or endangering other people. And anyway, if these shops are “local” why do you need to be going there in your car in the first place? Petrol is just so expensive these days (as motorists never tire of telling us) and yet motorists are still prepared to make journeys by car rather than on foot. Seems like the petrol companies have set their prices at a reasonable level, doesn’t it? Supply and demand and all that. In my world a child’s “right” to cross a road safely or the “right” of someone travelling to work not be held-up by morons appeal more to my sense of justice than the “right” of some pillock in a mobile penis extension to park where he wants to because walking a hundred yards is too taxing.

Why is a government that is constantly telling us that this that and the other are bad for us not telling us to leave the car at home and walk to the local shops?

Surely they realise that we aren’t all the size and shape of the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government?

"Park where you want and vote for me"

“Park where you want and vote for me”