For a blog subtitled “The world according to me” there’s a worryingly low amount of stuff in it that describes exactly how things will be when I am in charge (yes, “when”). So here’s my 10-point manifesto for a better Britain. Actually, it might not be for a better Britain, but it will be for a Britain that I prefer to the current one, based as it will be upon my revenge on the many people and things that are currently pissing me off. Which is, I reckon, all that really matters.
(1) Illegally-parked vehicles:
It will be perfectly legal to cause criminal damage to any motor vehicle that is parked illegally. Any vehicle parked where it should not be parked shall have no standing in law whatsoever. Where the said vehicle is a scaffolder’s truck or a supermarket delivery van, anyone causing damage to the vehicle will not only be immune from prosecution but will also receive a £200 Marks & Spencer voucher, paid for by the owner of the vehicle. Anyone using the “but my hazard lights were on” defence will be forced to re-take their driving test. Twice.
(2) Politically incorrect:
Those boasting about their own political incorrectness shall serve a three month prison sentence. Such boasts are the preserve of ill-mannered bores and will no longer be tolerated in society. The sentence will be doubled should the guilty party be heard to say that “you can’t say anything these days”. A sentence of one year shall be available to the judge if the words of Enoch Powell have been invoked but the guilty party is unable to say exactly what those words actually were.
(3) Mobiles, iPods, skateboards:
Those caught using mobile phones whilst driving or cycling shall be incarcerated for one year. Those caught using a mobile phone whilst being served in a bank, shop or post office shall serve three months in prison. Identical sentences shall also apply to those using iPods in such situations. Males over the age of 14 caught skateboarding shall be subject to a £500 fine. This fine will be doubled if the act is being performed on a public highway.
Owners of these highly dubious creatures must have their animal(s) micro-chipped and a tracking device implanted in the animal. Failure to do so will result in a £5000 fine and the animal being destroyed in a controlled explosion supervised by the Royal Engineers (at considerable cost to the owner of the cat). At the end of each calendar year a record will be published that will list the properties on which the animal trespassed during the previous year. Each case of trespass shall cost the cat owner £1, which must be paid to the property owner upon whose land the pointless creature trespassed.
Dog owners who allow their dogs to shit in the street and who then fail to clear it up will be forced to sing “How much is that doggy in the window”? repeatedly for an hour in Trafalgar Square on the second Tuesday of each month. They will then spend the rest of the day with a pooper-scooper in hand traipsing around London’s hundred shittiest streets (as listed in “The Good Dog Shit Guide”, available from all good booksellers for £12.99). Only once they’ve collected an amount of doggy-do that weighs the same as their own loveable mutt will they be free to go home. (The only exception to this law will be in very rare cases of white dog poo which you hardly ever see these days, do you? This must be left wherever the dog has deposited it until the sun bakes it so extensively that it starts to look like chalk, goes all powdery, and the stupid kid from over the road uses it to write his name on the pavement).
(6) Self-service checkouts:
All goods purchased at supermarket “self-service checkouts” shall automatically qualify for a 10% price reduction, as the customer is effectively doing the work that used to be done by a member of staff. When an alarm sounds due to an “unexpected item found in the bagging area” and this item is found not to be “unexpected” at all, the customer will be under no obligation to pay for any of the goods. At the end of each financial year all supermarket losses made as a result of this policy will be reimbursed by the people who manufacture the self-service checkouts at B&Q, as they most definitely deserve bankruptcy.
(7) Pavement cycling:
Grown men who cycle on pavements will have their bikes painted pink and fitted with stabilisers. For the following six months they will be obliged to cycle at least three miles per day (on roads not pavements) on the aforementioned vehicle whilst wearing a “Peppa Pig” cycle helmet. Any car driver who knocks these offenders off their bikes during this six month period will be deemed to be the innocent party in the collision, regardless of the circumstances. Any damage to the car will be paid for by the cyclist or, in the event of his death, by his grieving relatives.
People who walk into crowded pubs, push straight to the bar and then expect to be the next person to be served will have the word “WANKER” tattooed on their foreheads. Pub bar staff will be forbidden to serve a “WANKER” in a pub until every other person in the pub has been served, even people who walked in after the “WANKER” did. Pub bar staff who continually ask “Who’s next”? in a crowded pub on a Friday or Saturday night shall have their wages from that particular shift donated to a central fund that pays for research into why it is that some people are so shit at their jobs but never, ever seem to get sacked.
(9) Buzzwords and cliches:
The following will be punished with custodial sentence of three months, if uttered in public:
“Going forward”, “elephant in the room”, “bandwidth”, “take ownership”, “singing from same hymn sheet”, “low-hanging fruit”, “outside the box”, “at the end of the day”.
In addition, companies who produce “mission statements” that contain the following will be fined £100,000 (after they’ve been fined £50,000 for producing a damned “mission statement” in the first place):
“Synergies”, “transparency”, “solutions”, “customer-focused” (no, you are profit-focused, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but please just stop bullshitting), “added value”, “best practice”.
(10) Drive-through fast food outlets:
Banned. Sorry, that’s the end of it. You’ll be wanting to take your precious bloody car to bed with you soon. Well, you can’t. And if you want to pay for ground-up horse willies and pig sphincters in a sesame seed bun you still can, but you’ll just have to get out of your stupid car for a few minutes. Walk somewhere, dumb arse. It won’t kill you, unlike the dross you’re about to pay for and eat. And don’t give that stuff to your kids, they’ve got you for a parent so they don’t need any more shit in their lives right now. Idiot.
Hmmm. I feel better already.