10 things I don’t want to see or hear in 2013 (but probably will)

“Gangnam Style” parodies

OK, people. It’s over. You can stop now. No more “hilarious” parodies of Psy’s hit are needed. We get the message. I don’t care if you are a Norfolk turkey farmer or one of a group of shop assistants, my advice is clear: it was funny for a bit, now it isn’t that funny anymore. It’s like dressing-up as Bananaman to go to the cricket; mildly amusing for a while but embarrassing for everyone if you decide to keep flogging the twitching carcass of the dead comedy horse. Please. Stop. I beg you.

Nude calendars

Barely a day seems to go by without a collection of flabby old women deciding to do a nude calendar in the “Calendar Girls” style. The film was released in 2003, which means it is almost ten years old. Isn’t it time these roly-polys got a new angle? What some people may have found quite amusing back then is now just bloody annoying. I want a Megan Fox or Vanessa Hudgens 2013 Calendar, not one featuring some big lump of an ASDA bakery worker from Barnsley. Thanks all the same.

Twitter arguments between people I’ve never heard of

Isn’t it shocking when you hear that whats-her-name who plays the part of Savannah in that horrible tacky programme has had a Twitter row with whats-her-name who plays Chelseigh in that other horrific chavfest? Doesn’t it just spoil your day? Isn’t it like when you found out that Bette Davis and Joan Crawford hated each other? Or does a fly farting three streets away have more of an effect on your life? It’s the fly for me.

The phrase “going forward”

If you ever saw the film “Casino” and remember what happened to Joe Pesci’s character at the end (think baseball bat) then that is how I believe people who utter this meaningless piece of management-speak should be dealt with. Every sentence in which it has ever been spoken can be improved by simply deleting the phrase. It serves no purpose except to allegedly bolster the credentials of the person speaking it. Avoid it in 2013 and your chances of seeing 2014 will improve, whilst your chances of being buried alive in a cornfield by my Mafia chums will recede.

“Super Saturday”

Three British gold medals in forty-six minutes on the evening of 4th August was a great effort of course. Yet I wouldn’t hand out too many awards for creativity from the media types who, I suspect, will keep harking back to “Super Saturday” for years to come. Couldn’t they think of something possessing a tad more originality? And anyway, isn’t “Super Saturday” already patented by Sky Sports when they have Stoke v Reading immediately followed by Blackburn v Charlton?

“KEEP CALM AND…”

OK. Enough!  I get it. You miss the good old days when people went to sleep not knowing whether tonight was the night when the Luftwaffe sent a bomb down their chimney and blew them to bits. Fair enough. You obviously weren’t there. How many more hilarious “KEEP CALM AND…” ideas can you think of? How about “KEEP CALM WHILE I SYSTEMATICALLY HUNT DOWN ALL THE PEOPLE WITH THESE STUPID BLOODY POSTERS”? Sound good?

Richard Littlejohn’s views on “political correctness gone mad”, “elf n safety” or “yuman rights”

I have heard them every bloody year for the last ten years, at least. The people that pay him seem not to notice that it’s the same old shit in a slightly amended form, year after year. A lawyer hired to represent Lance Armstrong and Jimmy Saville would be more convincing than Littlejohn’s “man of the people” act. He’s the kind of man who I would like to see smeared in bacon fat and locked in a room with a family of hungry, rabid wolverines. 2013 will be a wonderful year if that scenario unfolds, even in a dream.

Tired, unthinking football punditry

(1) “Technology” : People have become so convinced that football is just so incredibly important and necessary for the continued survival of the human race that it has to have “technology”. Otherwise some mistakes might get made. Boogaloo! Get over it all you whingers who keep going on about it because a ball going at 57mph was a centimetre over the line and from 20 yards away the referee didn’t realise. Grow up. The world will continue to spin on its axis.

(2) Marking at set-pieces/corners : Some ex-pro will always offer his opinion that “man-marking” should always be employed by teams rather than the new-fangled “zonal defence”. Except that the zonal system has been used by England in 1966, Arsenal when they went a whole season unbeaten, and recently by Guardiola’s Barcelona. “Space never scored a goal” he will wisely tell us. Then he’ll go on to say why you should always have a man on each post at corners. Er, isn’t that a kind of zonal system, marking areas rather than opposition players? Numpty.

E-petitions

Now, courtesy of our wonderfully democratic coalition, we can create online petitions and try to drum-up enough support so that one day they might be discussed in the House of Commons. And be rejected. Most of the people who create new petitions don’t seem to have the intelligence to think “Hmmm, I wonder if there’s already a petition about this”? And that is why there are about forty-seven thousand petitions imploring “Bring back hanging”, each with about three signatures. Other classics include “Stop our children being burning at school” (during English lessons perhaps?), “Discourage rags on heads in nativity plays”, “Let’s be more like Norway”, “Bring back Galaxy truffles in Celebrations”, “Build a fleet of Jedi X-Wings” (in response to an American e-petition that the US Government begin building a “Death Star”) and the downright weird “Release bears into Britain’s woodlands”. This is government, Camnam style.

Shiny pamphlets full of “marketing” visuals and waffle

I don’t see as many of these as I used to, but that doesn’t stop me hating them and never wanting to see one again. You probably know the kind of thing: a glossy booklet full of the kind of images that the people in a marketing department somewhere are convinced will persuade you that they are a great company to either work for or deal with. A lightbulb, two men shaking hands, a stopwatch, an egg-timer, a tape measure (tailored service you see?), a maze, an acorn. Oh and there’s always a sodding snowboarder in there for some reason as well. The pictures will be accompanied by vacuous New Labour-ish drivel about “partnerships” and “core values”, “common goals” and “synergies”, all in their vile Blairite glory, meaning everything and precisely nothing all at the same time.

Fetch the flamethrower.

"You see, if this was a heavyweight boxing match..."

“Going forward, you’re going to be a corpse”

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