Richard Littlejohn : a sick man who just got sicker

Apparently, last week the new iPhone 5 was launched. As the owner of a Nokia that’s a good two years old, I must admit I missed it. I reckon that if you offered me a brand new iPhone 5, I probably wouldn’t be interested, except in the re-sale value. My budget doesn’t stretch to that sort of money for a new phone, but if other people want to spend a few hundred quid on a new phone I’m certainly not going to get that steamed-up about it. If only the same could be said for the Daily Mail’s finest, Richard Littlejohn. He’s got the right hump has old Dick.

Dick saw a picture of a queue in Covent Garden. People were waiting in line for the Apple store to open so they could get their hands on a new iPhone 5. And Dick wasn’t happy. Dick was upset that so many of the people in the queue appeared to not look like Dick (few non-reptiles do). They had brown and black faces, you see, something that is definitely not a good thing.

If you aren’t familiar with Littlejohn, this is the man who, some years ago, commented on his new book as follows:

“I don’t set out to be Tolstoy. It is a much more complex book than that”.

He is, as you might guess, not exactly running low on reserves of self-regard. He’s a self-appointed standard-bearer for the downtrodden masses, the people who the “metropolitan elite” (no, I don’t know what he means either!) have allegedly abandoned, who “liberals” disdain but who salt-of-the-earth types like himself continue to champion at every opportunity (for a huge salary of course). He’s a proper hero of the people is old Dick, and no mistake. Like Sean Connery, who always bangs on about Scotland and being Scottish but can’t bring himself to actually live there, Dick lectures us on the ills of modern Britain from the comfort of his Florida mansion. He once even spoke to a couple of lesbians in such puerile, schoolboyish, sexist, sneering tones on a late night discussion programme that a fellow guest on the show, the film director Michael Winner (an unlikely hero), received rousing applause from the audience when he put Littledick firmly in his place (which, some might argue, is under a rock somewhere). As the knobhead himself would say, “You really couldn’t make it up”.

Anyway, the queue for the iPhone 5 seems to have had rather a lot of non-white faces in it, “like the queue for the lorries at Sangatte” as he put it. I wonder if he’d describe the Arsenal and Chelsea teams in this way when they line-up against each other on Saturday. Unlikely, I reckon, despite both teams having a large compliment of black players, many of whom are, after all, economic migrants. But with a readership which disdains complicated stuff like accuracy, precision, truth or journalistic integrity, I can’t see him being criticised much by his disciples for his choice of target. Regular and nonsensical diatribes aimed at some “outsiders” is enough to keep most of his fans happy.  Typical Daily Mail thinking applies: don’t go searching for any statistics or evidence when a single, random photograph conveniently confirms all your nasty prejudices, and darling Dickie is never happier than when he’s de-humanising a group of people, thus rendering them ripe for attack. It’s the kind of thing that all sorts of psychopaths have done down the years, and Little Dick does it well.

In a way you can’t blame the small-minded twerp. He gets paid truckloads of cash for producing liquid shit that is lapped-up by people who need someone else to do their thinking for them, because they can’t be bothered to. For most people who can string a few sentences together, and Dick can do that, it’s pretty much a dream job. This is the man who wrote that the deaths of five Ipswich prostitutes a few years back was “no great loss” but got all offended by a man at White Hart Lane who shouted “If he’s brown bread, they’ll call the game off” as Fabrice Muamba fought for his life after collapsing last season. Maybe someone should have tapped him on the shoulder and told him that Muamba was black and was on the waiting list for an iPhone 5? His sympathy, or at least his faux sympathy, would surely have evaporated in seconds.

Of course, he didn’t want to “speculate” as to how a collection of non-white people could afford a £599 phone, though of course the implication was that brown and black people with that kind of money must be up to no good. Which is a strange line to take given that, on 25 June 2010, soon after iPhone 4 was launched, he generously declared:

“Good luck to those who can’t live without an iPhone 4 from day one — it’s their money”.

Fast forward two years and it appears that it’s only their money if they’re white. No-one without a white face could possibly have a good job, or have saved money, or have gone without a holiday this summer in order to buy a new iPhone 5. Just couldn’t happen. Which is why, he assures us later in his nonsense, “plenty of readers did a double-take” when they saw the photograph.

Somehow, I doubt that’s true, and as the piece of pond-life hasn’t provided names and addresses of these people, I’m going to continue to think that he’s making it up. Anyway, if you are a regular Daily Mail reader then the country is already infested with foreigners, many of them with non-white skin. The enemy is already encamped within the castle walls, we’re on our way to “Hell in a Handcart” (the trite title of his Tolstoy-esque pile of kindling), and it’s only because of the eternal vigilance of people like Dick that the entire population of the globe hasn’t descended on our green and pleasant land. The idea that a typical Daily Mail reader would do a “double-take” at a picture of a large group of brown people in London is laughable, or would be if it wasn’t such a huge pile of classic Littlejohn bollocks. Maybe instead of “double-take” he meant “recoiled in horror”?

He ends his latest contribution to the alternative toilet paper industry by remarking, in the true style of the classic pub bore, that people will see his opinions as racist. It’s a typical arse-covering tactic used by racists, that if they alert other people to the likelihood that someone else will call them “racist” because of their views, then they aren’t racist. “Oh, someone will call me a racist” is, in their simple minds, enough to convince everyone that they aren’t. It’s like a man covered in blood standing over a bloodied corpse with a blood-stained knife in his hand, who then whines, “Oh, they’ll call me a murderer now”. You can’t get away with it just because you were the first one to mention it. If the cap fits, etc etc.

It’s the kind of journalism that goes down really well in certain circles. People like Dick bemoan everything, including the education system. They should give thanks that so many people are so utterly incapable (or unwilling) to think for themselves, partly as a result of our sub-standard education system, that their steaming piles of turd, masquerading as hard-hitting journalism, are consumed with such glee by so many of the hard-of-thinking up and down the country.

I’ll judge you, Dick, on what you write, you sickening, vile, lazy, boring, hypocritical, vomit-inducing, cowardly one-trick pony. Stuff like this, on the Rwandan genocide of 1994:

“Does anyone really give a monkey’s about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them”.

Shame on you. And even more shame on those that pay you for this untreated sewage.

“I don’t set out to be Tolstoy. It is a much more complex book than that”.

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