Manchester United – The Full Glossary

Anfield

Home of the traditional rivals. And five European Cups.

AON

Shirt-sponsors. And management consultants, almost inevitably. One page on their website is titled “Kidnap & Ransom” which looked exciting. Unfortunately, the link didn’t work. It’s all about seamless and innovative “risk solutions”. They have a “client-focused approach” (who doesn’t?) and will “understand your business”. That’s enough Blairite management-speak for one day. At least Vodafone produced something tangible.

“Come on you Reds”

The abhorrent result of a 1994 liaison with Status Quo. “Come on you Reds, come on you Reds, just keep your bottle and use your heads, for ninety minutes we’ll let them know, it’s Man United – here we go”!

If that doesn’t make you want to kill and maim, then you need to check your pulse.

Conspiracy

The fact that a midweek Champions League game in Belgium or Portugal is not preceded by a home league game against Accrington Stanley and followed by a home league game against The Thirsty Ferret’s Second XI.

FC United

Local team that “loyalists” said they would support after the Glazers bought the club. As usual for Man Utd fans, talk was cheap. The lure of the reflected glory proved too much.

Fergie-time

The amount of time that the watch-tapper tells the referee he needs to add to the end of the match, if his team are losing. Except when they’re losing to Barcelona, in which case he just wants the torture to be over.

Fred the Red

Club mascot in the form of a devil. May he burn in eternal hellfire.

Funereal

The Old Trafford atmosphere. That’s not my opinion, it’s the opinion of “Surralicks” after the January 2008 win over Bayern Munich. Only joking, it was Birmingham actually. “The crowd were dead” he whinged. Maybe they were just contemplating the long drive back to Devon?

Glazers

Family of American hillbillies who own the club. Yes, seriously! Members include Billy-Bob, Zeke, Uncle Jessie and Waynelle. Rarely attend matches as they’re usually too busy making moonshine and fixing their trailers.

Global brand

The sad truth that glory-hunters exist in Bangkok as well as Basingstoke, and in Tokyo as well as Taunton.

Glory, glory, Man United

Formerly sung by football fans at Hibernian, then Tottenham, then Leeds, before being adopted by the Mancs in 1983, with their usual stunning originality, prior to the Cup Final.

Govan shipyards

Where Bacon Face learnt his trade…whinging, whining, moaning, being offended by innocuous questions and gum-chewing.

Guildford

The supporters’ heartland.

Kung-fu

The approved method of retaliation if a Crystal Palace fan is being beastly to you.

Media toadies

You know them, always asking soft, unimaginative questions in Whisky Nose’s press conferences. “How pleased are you with the 5-0 victory”? “Ryan Giggs was magnificent today, wasn’t he”? blah, blah, blah. They even tried to persuade us not to support Barcelona in the 2011 Champions League Final. Yeah, that was going to happen!

Megastore

Place where Sebastian from can buy his share of the dream. The dream comes in polyester, and in red, blue, white, green & yellow, black and a special low-visibility shade of grey. The dream never sells-out, unlike Sebastian who sold-out in about 1993.

Mind games

Any comment by “Surralicks” which alludes to another football club or its players. A favourite of toady, lickspittle, cliche-reliant journalists and pundits who think they might not get “access” if they don’t crawl up his backside at every opportunity.

Neville

Gary & Phil Neville’s dad’s name. No, not his surname, his first name! Yep, these are the kind of people we are dealing with here.

Prawn sandwich brigade

Corporate guests who watch the game from hospitality suites after travelling-up from Guildford. Not to be confused with the “real” fans, who watch the game from plastic seats after travelling-up from Guildford.

Redondo, Fernando

Architect of Real Madrid’s 3rd goal in their 3-2 victory at the “Theatre” in 2000, which brought joy to billions around the world.

Ronaldo

Once the world’s greatest player. Scored a great hat-trick at the “Theatre” in 2003. Played in Madrid and Milan, Europe’s two biggest footballing cities that start with the letter “M”.

Ronaldo, Cristiano

The world’s second-best player who swapped Manchester for Madrid. Wasn’t exactly rocket science, was it?

Right foot

What any average right-back shows Ryan Giggs onto.

Self-awareness

A commodity in short-supply at the “Theatre”. Take Rio Ferdinand’s “success brings people out of the woodwork” comment in relation to Manchester City. That’s right, a Man Utd player complaining about people coming out of the woodwork. Akin to rats complaining about bubonic plague.

Sheffield Wednesday

The team whose implosion at Old Trafford in April 1993 started the “dream”. Will take their place in history alongside Mr & Mrs Stalin.

Shin

The part of his body that Wayne Rooney used to score his famous overhead kick against Man City in 2011 at the “Theatre”.

Squeaky-bum time

A vulgar phrase coined by a vulgar old Scotsman to describe the last few games of a season.

Sunderland, Alan

Moustachioed Arsenal striker who, after the rats had clawed themselves back into the 1979 FA Cup Final, scored the winner and broke murine hearts. Shame.

Tackling

Something Paul Scholes has never learnt to do, despite allegedly being a “great” player. Scholes’ mistimed tackles are met with chortles from commentators who are outraged by similar tackles by Blackburn or Wolves players. “Oh, he’s never been the best at that aspect of the game” they simper, as if being able to tackle is an optional extra for the modern midfielder. Why has twenty years under the tutelage of such a managerial “legend” not seen any improvement in Scholes’ tackling? The media sycophants will never dare to ask.

Theatre of Dreams

A dreadful piece of Bobby Charlton marketing-speak, designed with the modern football fan in mind. You are attending a performance, a show, a piece of theatre. You have paid your money and are  to sit as a passive observer, mute and unthinking. Especially if you’re losing.

“Where were you when you were shit”?

Song that fans of almost every other league club sing at Man Utd fans. Has maximum impact when translated into Japanese, Thai, Mandarin and Cornish.

 

 “Ho,ho,ho…dear old Scholesy” 

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